As this is being posted, I will be sitting in a hospital recovering from surgery. A surgery that when I wrote A Body I Love was a pipe dream, far off in the horizon.
I'll try to spare the gory details, but I haven't been comfortable with my body since I was maybe 13 years old. This discomfort — which I would later learn was largely gender dysphoria — kept me from actually loving my body. One specific part of it, which, if all has gone according to plan, is now gone.
I wrote A Body I Love during a particularly rough episode of dysphoria. I dreamed of a time when I didn't feel this way all the time. When I could see my body and not hate myself, not devolve into a panic attack. In early November, when I began putting together Touch the Clouds, I knew I wanted it in there.
Now, here I am. I scheduled A Body I Love specifically on the day before my surgery. I want to remember that feeling of hopelessness, that struggle. As I begin the long road to recovery, I want to remember all the time I spent curled up in a ball because I couldn't stand my own body. I want to remember how lost I felt less than a year ago. I want to remember how worth it all of this will be.
I wish I could see her again, that scared girl, and tell her “In one year, you'll have passed your six month post surgery landmark. You've got this.”
The “One day” to which I referred in the poem is now. I made it.
So please, don't give up. It's worth it to hold on to hope.
The world is out of control
What do we do?
Trapped inside this raging tornado
We hold on tightly to each other
We're all here together
trying to ride out the storm
I don't know where we'll end up
but at least we won't be alone
The deafening winds try to rip us apart
It's exhausting to keep fighting it
But together, we share in each other's strength
Together, we are mightier than the storm
Day after day, please keep remembering
We can get through this together
Just hold on tight
I'm here for you
There will always be people
that tell you that your dreams are wrong
that you're not allowed to want something
no matter how much joy it brings you
They don't care about your feelings
Only in holding shut the doors to their minds
Building cliffs of ignorance all around them
So they will never understand
Ignore them
Keep fighting for your dreams
Do it in spite of them
Scale the cliffs of ignorance
Exist to show them they don't decide what's right for you
And when you're standing atop the mountain
beaming with joy and pride
They'll be at the bottom
Grumbling and groaning in their misery
Stand tall
Stand proud
And never let anyone else
decide what dreams you're allowed to have
I wrote I Am Me in 2022, right around a year before I came out as trans. Reading it now, it resonates so much with everything happening.
The original inspiration was the idea that people tried cramming me into a box labeled “Man” and I hated it. That wasn't me. I didn't want to be treated that way. Now that I'm out as trans, living life as a woman, I'm so much happier. I'm happy to be crammed into a box labeled “Woman,” even though that's still a close-minded way of thinking.
I'm gonna keep flying free, no matter what. Because I am me.
Thank you for reading. Remember, we are stronger together. And we'll get through this. Together.
I'm not a monster like they make me out to be
I'm just trying to be true to myself, to be the real me
I don't understand, I've got a medical condition
It's called “gender dysphoria”, but they won't listen
to my cries, to my tears, no they just don't care
all they wanna do is lie and cheat and scare
They don't understand and they don't want to
The way people are, why they do the things they do
They call me selfish and a liar, say I'm coming for your children
Then they try to ban proven science and call me a villain
Yeah, maybe I'm a little selfish once in a while
but it's okay to do things for me, things that make me smile
I'm not a monster like they make me out to be
I'm just trying to be true to myself, to be the real me
They call it “chemical and physical mutilation”, it makes me so mad!
Would they say the same thing to someone with cancer in their nads?
They insult the experts, call their work “junk science”
yet those people have proven time and again they've earned our reliance
Do they really think I came to this idea on a whim one day?
Do they have any inkling how hard it is to be this way?
I take pills every day, injections every week
And I've got millions of people shouting that I'm a freak
I didn't ask to be this way, this isn't a choice
I just want to love my body, my face, my voice
Gender-affirming care isn't wrong, it saves lives
Did you know the percent of people happier for it is greater than 89?
I have a voice to speak, a stage on which I stand
so I want you to know, I want you to understand
there's nothing wrong with this, it's okay to be this way
no matter what those people out there say
I'm not a monster like they make me out to be
I'm just trying to be true to myself, I just want to love me
I just want to be true to myself
I just want to love me