This journey has been so long
It's thrown twists and turns at me
I thought I was near the end
but when I got through the weeds
I found another path stretching ahead of me
I chose this path
I didn't know it'd be this long
but I can't turn around now
so all I can do is take it
one step at a time
Step by step
Day by day
I'll reach the end of this path
The sky seems dark now
but soon, it'll clear up
And the best part
is that I'm not walking alone
there are so many people
walking alongside me
holding my hand
so I don't need to be scared
So step by step
day by day
and hand in hand
I'll keep walking this path
until it opens up
to bright, blue skies
Life is rain
Always gray clouds
So bleak and miserable
You can't enjoy it like this
But don't worry
I'll bring out the sunshine
I'll fold my hands
Hope for a brighter day
Close my eyes and dream
I'll give it my all
to be your sunshine girl
I'm glad to hear you're better
Even if life's still a struggle
I hope you know
how clever you are
Helping me to see
that we can bring out the sunshine
I'll fold my hands
show people a brighter day
Close my eyes and dream
Give it all to them
so I can be their sunshine girl
I'm fading, but it's okay
I can make a brighter world
Where the sun shines all the time
So don't cry, live your life
And I'll give up mine
so everyone can bask in the sunshine
I'll fold my hands
Let myself fade away
Close my eyes and dream
Then the rain will finally stop
and I'll be your sunshine girl
I lost a lot this past year. Two sets of roommates. Some friends. A job.
I won't go into detail with the roommates. Short version on first set: relationships didn't work out. Short version on second set: they had issues with my life choices, I had issues with them ignoring my boundaries. The wounds from the second set are still healing, and I don't think it's fair to talk about them publicly when they don't have a chance to defend themselves, so that's all the details I'll get into.
I am also now unemployed. The company for which I have worked for the past several years is no more. I don't know how many details I'm allowed to disclose here, but it was amicable, my now former boss is a wonderful person, and I have nothing but respect for him. That said, ko-fi is my only source of income at the moment.
Gains
All of that said, I have gained a lot too. A body in which I can be comfortable and present. A solid support system of family, friends, and partners. A new hobby. A cat.
Knitting
Following in the footsteps of my mother, and her mother before her, I have taken up knitting. Between October and December I made:
10 pairs of socks
3 pairs of mittens
A hat
A mouse
I will likely start posting pics of my projects here. I'm really enjoying having something to do with my hands while I live life. As I write this, it occurs to me that I could write poems to go with the projects.
Cat
I have a cat now. His name is Riley. I adopted him back in October (lots of things happened in October). He is nine years old, and very cuddly. If you feed him, he will be okay with you. He warmed up very quickly to me, and has been a critical part of my self care these past few months.
He runs around when I'm going to bed, chews on my hair when he can reach my head, and makes a mess of things. But I wouldn't give him up for anything. I love this guy so much.
Moving Forward
I have a lot of time on my hands, and I want to spend more of it writing. I've written a few poems here and there, but not a ton. And I've barely been on stage in months. But it's still something I love, so I want to continue it.
I'm still here, and I want to start posting poems every Monday again to start with. I make no promises.
Happy New Year, everyone. Thank you for your support. It means the world to me.
It's been a long month. For those of you that have talked to me recently, you know what I've been going through. You know how rough it's been for me the past six weeks or so. But let's look at the positives.
I have amazing people in my life. To everyone reading this that has checked in on me during this difficult time, thank you. You've carried me through this.
I've developed a morning routine of sitting in a beautiful place and writing a poem about something — or more often, someone — for which I'm grateful. What was a dry spell of poetry has turned into a streaming fountain. Whether it be my family, my friends, my partners, or my headmates (I'll explain that term another time), or even my meds being ready on time, I find something for which to be grateful. Feeling the sun on my face every morning as I celebrate the good in my life has energized me enough to take on every new day.
Me. That's a good thing in my life. Me. I stumble, I fall, I get up, I keep going, and I learn what I did wrong. I look back and I see how I've been growing over the past 30+ years, and I'm finally starting to settle in to my own life.
Poetry will be resuming soon, probably. Once I settle in again and my life stabilizes (and I can sleep in my own bed again). Well, as stable as a trans girl with mental health struggles can be.
I got you a gift
she's a soft and snugly mouse
Your favorite
Yeah, I still remember
We haven't changed that much
Today was confusing
You found a kind of toy you liked
but you aren't allowed to have it
all because other people would laugh at you
That's not okay
I can't get one like it
but I did bring you her
someone to cuddle with at night
and you can carry her around and take care of her
just like that doll you wanted
I hope you carry her around without fear
I hope you carry yourself without fear
I hope you can hold her
and not be afraid
to be who you are
It's okay to be who you are
to be what you are
Cos in the whole world
There is only one of you
I'm scared
Everything keeps falling apart
Foundations upon which I once stood
are crumbling down
and I can't stop it
but I can still keep smiling
They can take away my rights
They can beat me down
They can outlaw my people
They can take and take and take
But the one thing they can't take
is the smile on my face
I can find a reason to smile
Even when I'm crying
Even when I'm scared
I won't let them take my light away
My beautiful rainbow light
that I spread through my smile
My light has so much in it
pain and sorrow
love and joy
spite and kindness
everything that makes me me
and I can show it all through a smile
They will never take it away
No one will ever take it away
not my name
not my identity
not my light
not my smile
