As you might have noticed, I've been very inconsistent with my posts. Healing is not a linear process, and I'm healing from more than one thing right now. I've got a lot of support in my life, but it's still a lot.
Here's some of the writing things I've been working on.
Poetry
I've been writing poetry, but not to fulfill a schedule. For a long time, my writing has been about what to post, not what I want to write. So I'm trying to get back to writing what I want, and posting it if I want to post it, rather than writing something that I need to post immediately.
That's been the theme of my life lately. What do I want? What can I do for me, rather than taking care of other people and worrying about them all the time. I've struggled with codependency for a long time, and I've been identifying a lot of the bad habits I have and trying not to lean on them anymore.
I asked myself what do I like to read? Cos the answer isn't poetry. I write poetry to directly express my thoughts and feelings, but I don't go back and read it very often. When people ask me who my favorite poet is, I don't have much of an answer. So I asked myself recently what I actually like to read.
Skwyr Court
Remember that? I do, cos I've been rereading it. I love those characters. I realized some problems I had with the setup I'd made, but I'm still gonna finish the main story. I've been writing more of it too. Not to post, not rushing to get a chapter finished and online, but for the love of it. To get Sirshi and Kurgm taking shots at each other, to get Aonva infodumping while Roshil puts the thoughts to work, to see Nourd and Oshal marveling at the world. I missed these adorable nerds.
I reread the series, then started digging through my unfinished ideas that I wrote out for more. I love them. I miss them. So I've been writing bits and pieces, ideas I have for something that I don't plan on publishing, although I'd like to when I'm ready. I'm building up to getting the final chapters written. So I'll get there. I want to finish their story.
Rose the Rainbow Mouse
I miss her too. I haven't written a new Rose the Rainbow Mouse story in months. I've got some new ideas, though. And I want to put them onto paper. The animation is also a lot for me to do. Getting everything recorded, doing the animation, doing the subtitles, it's a lot of work, and I am only one very tired mousegirl. While I like consistency, I won't be able to release these on a schedule. It's too much for me. But I do want to release more. When I'm ready.
Conclusion
I want to fall in love with writing again, rather than seeing it as something I need to do to make other people happy. I need passion in my life, a way to get through the days and enjoy life, and not depend on other people for that.
As always, thank you so much for reading. Remember, in the whole world, there's only one of you, just like there's only one of me. So please, take care of yourself, friend. I'm certainly doing my best.
People who were born different
People who were raised differently
People who look and think differently
People like me
People like you
People like us
They try to beat us into place
Convince us that no one wants us
Erase us from the narrative
Hope that everyone forgets about us
Then leave us to deal with the trauma
All on our own
But we are not alone
We are not wrong
Every single person in this world is different in a million different ways
Who are they to say that their ways are right and ours are wrong?
We are different
We are unique
We cannot be silenced
We cannot be erased
This means most of my activity restrictions have been lifted. I'm allowed to lift heavy (more than five pounds) objects again, my body maintenance has been reduced from four times daily to three, I can take baths, and a few other things that I won't say here!
It's been a rough six weeks. My mental health has been erratic, with a lot of crashes in the last week in particular. Thank you to everyone who has reached out during this time. My poetry posting will hopefully stabilize again once my mental health does. Until then, I hope you've enjoyed what I've managed to post.
In the coming weeks, I'm gonna try going out again. I don't know about open mics, but at least going to some local events. We'll see how it goes.
I love you all so much. Thank you for letting me share my journey with you.
I'm home again! After over two weeks away, I'm so happy to be back. My own home, my own bed. My couch, my kitties. My lovely roommates. There really is no place like home.
In the coming days, I'm going to write up more of my experience with this process. The two weeks of lots of ups and downs. The potions I drank, the maneuvers I learned, and the intense training I am undergoing.