Recovery Haiku: Waiting for Nothing
Tick tock goes the clock I feel every second Waiting for nothing
Poetry for people who could use a little kindness
Tick tock goes the clock I feel every second Waiting for nothing
No poem today I am still recovering So have a haiku
Good news! I've been discharged! I can walk little bits, and mostly eat regular food. I'm staying near the hospital and surgeon's office.
My pain has stayed below a 5/10 the entire time. The worst was the boredom and struggling to sleep in the hospital. Even then, the stress from that doesn't begin to compare to the stress of my dysphoria over the past 20 years.
The hospital staff were phenominal. The surgeon and her PA were on top of my recovery at every step. I couldn't have been in better hands.
Thank you to everyone who has been checking on me and sending me well wishes. You all mean so much to me.
I love you all!
What? A Story Behind post?! Gasp!
Alright, that's out of the way, moving on.
As this is being posted, I will be sitting in a hospital recovering from surgery. A surgery that when I wrote A Body I Love was a pipe dream, far off in the horizon.
I'll try to spare the gory details, but I haven't been comfortable with my body since I was maybe 13 years old. This discomfort — which I would later learn was largely gender dysphoria — kept me from actually loving my body. One specific part of it, which, if all has gone according to plan, is now gone.
I wrote A Body I Love during a particularly rough episode of dysphoria. I dreamed of a time when I didn't feel this way all the time. When I could see my body and not hate myself, not devolve into a panic attack. In early November, when I began putting together Touch the Clouds, I knew I wanted it in there.
Now, here I am. I scheduled A Body I Love specifically on the day before my surgery. I want to remember that feeling of hopelessness, that struggle. As I begin the long road to recovery, I want to remember all the time I spent curled up in a ball because I couldn't stand my own body. I want to remember how lost I felt less than a year ago. I want to remember how worth it all of this will be.
I wish I could see her again, that scared girl, and tell her “In one year, you'll have passed your six month post surgery landmark. You've got this.”
The “One day” to which I referred in the poem is now. I made it.
So please, don't give up. It's worth it to hold on to hope.
And please, take care of yourself.
Salutations, friend!
It's finally here! My surgery is bright and early today. I'll be sure to update everyone on how it went as soon as I can.
I love you all!
It's hard to accept that the body I want is still a long way off That my transformation is far from complete
Every day, I struggle feeling disgusted as though my body is covered in a foul smelling slime that I can never wash away
But I carry on finding joy in every new day always looking to a future when I don't fees this way anymore when I finally feel like me
One day I will have a body in which I'm comfortable
One day I will smile at my reflection
One day I won't shudder when I think of myself
One day
One day
The world is out of control What do we do? Trapped inside this raging tornado We hold on tightly to each other
We're all here together trying to ride out the storm I don't know where we'll end up but at least we won't be alone
The deafening winds try to rip us apart It's exhausting to keep fighting it But together, we share in each other's strength Together, we are mightier than the storm
Day after day, please keep remembering We can get through this together Just hold on tight I'm here for you
This world pushes work onto us telling us to forget our dreams our passions and toil away to make money
Our loves get lost in the shuffle maybe it's art or movies songs poetry travel surfing dance
Whatever you love go out and do it don't let this world take that away from you
Our love drives us without it this world would be terrible dark, lifeless
Empty
So remember love is life
Go out
Go love
Go live
There will always be people that tell you that your dreams are wrong that you're not allowed to want something no matter how much joy it brings you
They don't care about your feelings Only in holding shut the doors to their minds Building cliffs of ignorance all around them So they will never understand
Ignore them
Keep fighting for your dreams Do it in spite of them Scale the cliffs of ignorance Exist to show them they don't decide what's right for you
And when you're standing atop the mountain beaming with joy and pride They'll be at the bottom Grumbling and groaning in their misery
Stand tall Stand proud And never let anyone else decide what dreams you're allowed to have
#Poetry #TouchTheClouds #Ignorance #Resilience #Determination
I wrote I Am Me in 2022, right around a year before I came out as trans. Reading it now, it resonates so much with everything happening.
The original inspiration was the idea that people tried cramming me into a box labeled “Man” and I hated it. That wasn't me. I didn't want to be treated that way. Now that I'm out as trans, living life as a woman, I'm so much happier. I'm happy to be crammed into a box labeled “Woman,” even though that's still a close-minded way of thinking.
I'm gonna keep flying free, no matter what. Because I am me.
Thank you for reading. Remember, we are stronger together. And we'll get through this. Together.