Poetry for people who could use a little kindness
Even on the bad days when I'm struggling to go on I can still try my best to keep carrying on
It's tough to push through it to reach for my dreams but I can still keep going what else is there to do?
Sure, I might fail I might end up going backwards but other days, if I'm lucky I'll find just the right words
I can make a difference I can keep moving on Above all else I can still try
My demons are many
Anxiety Depression Dysphoria
But the biggest one of all the one that haunts my every moment
Trauma
Every cut Every bruise Every slammed door Every hateful scream Every venomous jab
I remember them all
Trauma won't let me forget
But I need to move on Keep moving forward I know it will heal with time The nightmares aren't real It's gonna be okay
Just keep moving forward One day at a time
At first, I didn't see them I didn't even know they were there then they flickered to life for a second bright and beautiful
just like me
They flickered and faded again and again I could only see them at special moments but as fleeting as they were I knew they belonged
Just like me
One day, I went to sleep closed my eyes and when I opened them there were my wings clear as a sunny, blue sky
Just Like me
Now my wings are always there fluttering and colorful full of light and beauty just like a butterfly
Just Like Me
I'm home again! After over two weeks away, I'm so happy to be back. My own home, my own bed. My couch, my kitties. My lovely roommates. There really is no place like home.
In the coming days, I'm going to write up more of my experience with this process. The two weeks of lots of ups and downs. The potions I drank, the maneuvers I learned, and the intense training I am undergoing.
For now, I'm just happy to be home again.
Away for so long Now I will never forget There's no place like home
What will happen next? I will keep my fingers crossed And hope for the best
Tick tock goes the clock I feel every second Waiting for nothing
No poem today I am still recovering So have a haiku
Good news! I've been discharged! I can walk little bits, and mostly eat regular food. I'm staying near the hospital and surgeon's office.
My pain has stayed below a 5/10 the entire time. The worst was the boredom and struggling to sleep in the hospital. Even then, the stress from that doesn't begin to compare to the stress of my dysphoria over the past 20 years.
The hospital staff were phenominal. The surgeon and her PA were on top of my recovery at every step. I couldn't have been in better hands.
Thank you to everyone who has been checking on me and sending me well wishes. You all mean so much to me.
I love you all!
What? A Story Behind post?! Gasp!
Alright, that's out of the way, moving on.
As this is being posted, I will be sitting in a hospital recovering from surgery. A surgery that when I wrote A Body I Love was a pipe dream, far off in the horizon.
I'll try to spare the gory details, but I haven't been comfortable with my body since I was maybe 13 years old. This discomfort — which I would later learn was largely gender dysphoria — kept me from actually loving my body. One specific part of it, which, if all has gone according to plan, is now gone.
I wrote A Body I Love during a particularly rough episode of dysphoria. I dreamed of a time when I didn't feel this way all the time. When I could see my body and not hate myself, not devolve into a panic attack. In early November, when I began putting together Touch the Clouds, I knew I wanted it in there.
Now, here I am. I scheduled A Body I Love specifically on the day before my surgery. I want to remember that feeling of hopelessness, that struggle. As I begin the long road to recovery, I want to remember all the time I spent curled up in a ball because I couldn't stand my own body. I want to remember how lost I felt less than a year ago. I want to remember how worth it all of this will be.
I wish I could see her again, that scared girl, and tell her “In one year, you'll have passed your six month post surgery landmark. You've got this.”
The “One day” to which I referred in the poem is now. I made it.
So please, don't give up. It's worth it to hold on to hope.
And please, take care of yourself.