Life is rain
Always gray clouds
So bleak and miserable
You can't enjoy it like this
But don't worry
I'll bring out the sunshine
I'll fold my hands
Hope for a brighter day
Close my eyes and dream
I'll give it my all
to be your sunshine girl
I'm glad to hear you're better
Even if life's still a struggle
I hope you know
how clever you are
Helping me to see
that we can bring out the sunshine
I'll fold my hands
show people a brighter day
Close my eyes and dream
Give it all to them
so I can be their sunshine girl
I'm fading, but it's okay
I can make a brighter world
Where the sun shines all the time
So don't cry, live your life
And I'll give up mine
so everyone can bask in the sunshine
I'll fold my hands
Let myself fade away
Close my eyes and dream
Then the rain will finally stop
and I'll be your sunshine girl
I lost a lot this past year. Two sets of roommates. Some friends. A job.
I won't go into detail with the roommates. Short version on first set: relationships didn't work out. Short version on second set: they had issues with my life choices, I had issues with them ignoring my boundaries. The wounds from the second set are still healing, and I don't think it's fair to talk about them publicly when they don't have a chance to defend themselves, so that's all the details I'll get into.
I am also now unemployed. The company for which I have worked for the past several years is no more. I don't know how many details I'm allowed to disclose here, but it was amicable, my now former boss is a wonderful person, and I have nothing but respect for him. That said, ko-fi is my only source of income at the moment.
Gains
All of that said, I have gained a lot too. A body in which I can be comfortable and present. A solid support system of family, friends, and partners. A new hobby. A cat.
Knitting
Following in the footsteps of my mother, and her mother before her, I have taken up knitting. Between October and December I made:
10 pairs of socks
3 pairs of mittens
A hat
A mouse
I will likely start posting pics of my projects here. I'm really enjoying having something to do with my hands while I live life. As I write this, it occurs to me that I could write poems to go with the projects.
Cat
I have a cat now. His name is Riley. I adopted him back in October (lots of things happened in October). He is nine years old, and very cuddly. If you feed him, he will be okay with you. He warmed up very quickly to me, and has been a critical part of my self care these past few months.
He runs around when I'm going to bed, chews on my hair when he can reach my head, and makes a mess of things. But I wouldn't give him up for anything. I love this guy so much.
Moving Forward
I have a lot of time on my hands, and I want to spend more of it writing. I've written a few poems here and there, but not a ton. And I've barely been on stage in months. But it's still something I love, so I want to continue it.
I'm still here, and I want to start posting poems every Monday again to start with. I make no promises.
Happy New Year, everyone. Thank you for your support. It means the world to me.
It's been a long month. For those of you that have talked to me recently, you know what I've been going through. You know how rough it's been for me the past six weeks or so. But let's look at the positives.
I have amazing people in my life. To everyone reading this that has checked in on me during this difficult time, thank you. You've carried me through this.
I've developed a morning routine of sitting in a beautiful place and writing a poem about something — or more often, someone — for which I'm grateful. What was a dry spell of poetry has turned into a streaming fountain. Whether it be my family, my friends, my partners, or my headmates (I'll explain that term another time), or even my meds being ready on time, I find something for which to be grateful. Feeling the sun on my face every morning as I celebrate the good in my life has energized me enough to take on every new day.
Me. That's a good thing in my life. Me. I stumble, I fall, I get up, I keep going, and I learn what I did wrong. I look back and I see how I've been growing over the past 30+ years, and I'm finally starting to settle in to my own life.
Poetry will be resuming soon, probably. Once I settle in again and my life stabilizes (and I can sleep in my own bed again). Well, as stable as a trans girl with mental health struggles can be.
I got you a gift
she's a soft and snugly mouse
Your favorite
Yeah, I still remember
We haven't changed that much
Today was confusing
You found a kind of toy you liked
but you aren't allowed to have it
all because other people would laugh at you
That's not okay
I can't get one like it
but I did bring you her
someone to cuddle with at night
and you can carry her around and take care of her
just like that doll you wanted
I hope you carry her around without fear
I hope you carry yourself without fear
I hope you can hold her
and not be afraid
to be who you are
It's okay to be who you are
to be what you are
Cos in the whole world
There is only one of you
I'm scared
Everything keeps falling apart
Foundations upon which I once stood
are crumbling down
and I can't stop it
but I can still keep smiling
They can take away my rights
They can beat me down
They can outlaw my people
They can take and take and take
But the one thing they can't take
is the smile on my face
I can find a reason to smile
Even when I'm crying
Even when I'm scared
I won't let them take my light away
My beautiful rainbow light
that I spread through my smile
My light has so much in it
pain and sorrow
love and joy
spite and kindness
everything that makes me me
and I can show it all through a smile
They will never take it away
No one will ever take it away
not my name
not my identity
not my light
not my smile
As you might have noticed, I've been very inconsistent with my posts. Healing is not a linear process, and I'm healing from more than one thing right now. I've got a lot of support in my life, but it's still a lot.
Here's some of the writing things I've been working on.
Poetry
I've been writing poetry, but not to fulfill a schedule. For a long time, my writing has been about what to post, not what I want to write. So I'm trying to get back to writing what I want, and posting it if I want to post it, rather than writing something that I need to post immediately.
That's been the theme of my life lately. What do I want? What can I do for me, rather than taking care of other people and worrying about them all the time. I've struggled with codependency for a long time, and I've been identifying a lot of the bad habits I have and trying not to lean on them anymore.
I asked myself what do I like to read? Cos the answer isn't poetry. I write poetry to directly express my thoughts and feelings, but I don't go back and read it very often. When people ask me who my favorite poet is, I don't have much of an answer. So I asked myself recently what I actually like to read.
Skwyr Court
Remember that? I do, cos I've been rereading it. I love those characters. I realized some problems I had with the setup I'd made, but I'm still gonna finish the main story. I've been writing more of it too. Not to post, not rushing to get a chapter finished and online, but for the love of it. To get Sirshi and Kurgm taking shots at each other, to get Aonva infodumping while Roshil puts the thoughts to work, to see Nourd and Oshal marveling at the world. I missed these adorable nerds.
I reread the series, then started digging through my unfinished ideas that I wrote out for more. I love them. I miss them. So I've been writing bits and pieces, ideas I have for something that I don't plan on publishing, although I'd like to when I'm ready. I'm building up to getting the final chapters written. So I'll get there. I want to finish their story.
Rose the Rainbow Mouse
I miss her too. I haven't written a new Rose the Rainbow Mouse story in months. I've got some new ideas, though. And I want to put them onto paper. The animation is also a lot for me to do. Getting everything recorded, doing the animation, doing the subtitles, it's a lot of work, and I am only one very tired mousegirl. While I like consistency, I won't be able to release these on a schedule. It's too much for me. But I do want to release more. When I'm ready.
Conclusion
I want to fall in love with writing again, rather than seeing it as something I need to do to make other people happy. I need passion in my life, a way to get through the days and enjoy life, and not depend on other people for that.
As always, thank you so much for reading. Remember, in the whole world, there's only one of you, just like there's only one of me. So please, take care of yourself, friend. I'm certainly doing my best.
People who were born different
People who were raised differently
People who look and think differently
People like me
People like you
People like us
They try to beat us into place
Convince us that no one wants us
Erase us from the narrative
Hope that everyone forgets about us
Then leave us to deal with the trauma
All on our own
But we are not alone
We are not wrong
Every single person in this world is different in a million different ways
Who are they to say that their ways are right and ours are wrong?
We are different
We are unique
We cannot be silenced
We cannot be erased
This means most of my activity restrictions have been lifted. I'm allowed to lift heavy (more than five pounds) objects again, my body maintenance has been reduced from four times daily to three, I can take baths, and a few other things that I won't say here!
It's been a rough six weeks. My mental health has been erratic, with a lot of crashes in the last week in particular. Thank you to everyone who has reached out during this time. My poetry posting will hopefully stabilize again once my mental health does. Until then, I hope you've enjoyed what I've managed to post.
In the coming weeks, I'm gonna try going out again. I don't know about open mics, but at least going to some local events. We'll see how it goes.
I love you all so much. Thank you for letting me share my journey with you.
